Now, for the commitments. I am sure these will change and evolve over time, but this is what they are right now.
1. Be more comfortable with myself around others.
This Saturday I was invited to a birthday party. At the last second I pretended I was sick and I stayed in my room all night. Actually, before I did that I parked in a parking garage for three hours and read a book so that I would have alibi so I could tell my host family I was at a birthday party but not really have to go. Then I came home and made sure to not sign online so people wouldn't ask me AGAIN why I was staying in on a Saturday night. I am SO. PATHETIC. Like, typing this out is almost painful. It's so obvious that I have Issues, capital I.
That being recognized, I think I know the main cause of these totally irrational feelings and I'm sure it's easy to guess.
2. Not be so fat.
I've been fat my whole life. As much as I like me on the inside, and that has gotten me through things which could of been HORRIBLE if I didn't like the Caitlin on the inside so darn much, it's not enough anymore. I threw out so many opportunities for the simple satisfaction and that is just not gonna happen anymore. Not only do I not enjoy this lifestyle anymore, but it is so dangerous. I am already in danger of being infertile (PCOS, anyone?) but I'm sure diabetes is right around the corner. I'm not going to let that happen to me. I won't. I had a brush with a healthy weight in 11th grade and it was the happiest time of my life. I wasn't even THAT thin, I was just healthy and brilliantly happy. School came easier, friends came easier and smiling came easier. I want that again.
That's all I got for now. I know it's complicated, and solving this stuff means solving other issues but these are my main ones and they are affecting one another. It's that vicious cycle thing. But I'm sure I'll find more. And I'm going to find and I'm going to work it out. I promise myself I will.
So, now, a food diary. This is for the past two days and it is going to provide A LOT of insight into the kind of dieter that I am. A terrible one.
Yesterday
1 granny smith apple
2 babybel minis (original light)
1 sandwich which was made of light cream cheese, salami and a slice of gouda on whole wheat toast
1 handful of baby carrots
a dish i dont know the name of that was made up of noodles, tomatoes, mushrooms and ground beef
salad made from spinach leaves and mandarin orange slices with a light dressing on top
Today
3 egg omelette with peppers
1 kaiser roll with butter
half of a laugenbrotchen
a sandwich made of two pieces whole wheat toast with nutella and peanut butter (!!!! disgusting!!!)
1 serving of the left overs from last nights dinner (the noodle dish)
about five chocolate chip cookies
a cappucino with about 20 little biscottis (they were small so id say a serving is probably 7 of them -- still a disgusting three servings worth)
another serving of leftovers
So, this my normal pattern. I over do it at the start of my diet and eat hardly enough (also factor in the first day of my diet with the fact I did over 1000 calories of cardio, a VERY intense first day) and then the second day I just GO NUTS (my god - the CARBS i can consume. hello, diabetes, here i come). and its soooo bad for you. It's worse than if I just ate all this food but split it over two days! but im holding myself accountable from now on. im writing down EVERYTHING i eat. and hopefully i can find people to read this blog so i can be EMBARRASSED when i over do it. nothing like good ol' humiliation for motivation.
here's hoping i have better luck tomorrow.
